This is a poem I wrote in computer class...kind of a companion to one of my stories, Carson Layne's story ( [i]brilliant[/i] title I know). It needs work. Harsh crits welcome.
Somewhere from a forgotten corner,
I can still hear you.
Sometimes, in the mirror
I still see you.
So close,
So near
To me.
Do you remember?
All those times spent
With each other?
All those days spent
Thinking of you?
Do you wish
That I was back with you?
That we could touch again?
That this time it would be okay?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This was good.
It was extremely vague and short. I would suggest expanding on your ideas.
What are you feeling? What are you trying to get across to the reader? What emotions do you want to express.
You have five senses. Be sure to use them all. Put your reader in the situation. You want them sympathizing, mad, angry. you want trhem to feel how you do.
Sorry if this didn't help much. I liked the idea..just expand on it.
Happy editing!
Jamie
This was good.
It was extremely vague and short. I would suggest expanding on your ideas.
What are you feeling? What are you trying to get across to the reader? What emotions do you want to express.
You have five senses. Be sure to use them all. Put your reader in the situation. You want them sympathizing, mad, angry. you want trhem to feel how you do.
Sorry if this didn't help much. I liked the idea..just expand on it.
Happy editing!
Jamie
This seems to be mainly a nostalgic recollection.
There isn't much in terms of emotive description. I mean, what is there in this that makes me care about this? Or makes me feel anything close to the emotion felt by the narrator?
Fine, this isn't bad.
Not much feeling here. Warmth is somewhat overused and not as powerful as I'm sure you want.
Repetitive questioning isn't so powerful.
I'd suggest that you either provide:
1. Some deeper information about the reasons for such emotion (vague love isn't emotion evoking)
2. Information about the circumstances surrounding this person's "going".
Somewhere from a forgotten corner,
I can still hear you.
Sometimes, in the mirror
I still see you.
Still see your arms around me.
Sometimes I can still feel your warmth,
Even as I know its gone.
You were so close,
So near
To me.
Do you remember those times?
All those times spent
With each other?
All those days spent
Thinking of you?
Do you wish
That I was back with you?
I know I want you.
But you're gone.
That we could touch again?
I want to come dangerously near,
Pull close like we once did.
That this time it would be okay?
Hey CK, how're things? I often feel crits are very inpersonal. So hello!
Ok, here goes..
All in all, I felt this piece had some real potiental, and there's serious emotions behind the lines. But as a reader I'm straining to see them. You need to give us more imagery, more descriptions, because right now- I can't care about the speaker or their lost love.
Hope and Best Wishes,
Eimear xx